broken

I finally finished the blog challenge, so now I don’t feel guilty for posting a non-challenge related entry. I have been up for a couple of hours because my fever is breaking and I can’t sleep–I have a gross cold. But I feel way better than I did earlier today.

At 3:38 in the morning, nostalgia comes creeping in.

I can remember how I felt exactly one year ago. It is startling how different my life is now, and I wouldn’t possibly have it any other way. God really worked on me in the past year (maybe I should save all this for a new years post) and I honestly feel like a different person.

When I think how I’ve changed, how my friends have changed, and how things have turned out, I get that tugging feeling in my chest. It’s not at all that I’m yearning for the past; I wouldn’t change a single thing about how my life has turned out. Part of me wants to grab my 16 year old self by the shoulders, shake her violently, and tell her to open her eyes and know that what lies in her future is worth waiting for, that it will come, and that what you think you have now is not something you deserve to settle for.

I had coffee with a good friend Sunday night and we came to a conclusion about the past. God used it–He used the the things I thought I couldn’t live without to break me. When certain people in my life evaporated, when friendships changed, and when love was won and lost–whatever it took to finally break the walls I built, He began to work.

He broke me down, then built me up.

Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over again to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.

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