published May 9, 2010

It’s hard for me to believe that I just finished my first year of college. I could write pages and pages and pages of my wonderful first year college experience–and I probably will, just at another time. To say that I am blessed beyond what I deserve would be true. My friends, my family, and everything else in my life are abundant blessings from God.

It goes without saying that life is never going to go the way that you plan for it to go. I’m a “plan person”. I make lists. I like to have a plan, be in control, know what’s going on, etc. I do not like not knowing what is going on or not having a plan of action in certian situations. But this is something that God has really been working on with me. He is teaching me patience and flexibility, and after I finally realized that His plan is the best one for me, which honestly took a very long time, I was able to start to let go of my need to have a firm grasp of a situation. For both the good and bad, I need to rely on the fact that I am not in control.

I also need to rely on the fact that YOU CANNOT LOVE OTHERS WITHOUT THE LOVE OF GOD.

I feel like I should have those words tatooed on the inside of my eyelids and branded on my forehead.

I believe that God is love and love comes from God…though many people I know may disagree with me.

I’m the type of person who will want to love someone as much as they will let me. I will love until it hurts; I want to make people happy and make them feel loved. And through this, God has been able to bring some pretty amazing people into my life. However, it has also broken my heart. When you love someone who does not understand God’s love, how can they possibly truly love you back? God is love. No matter how much you convince yourself that they really do love you, it is not the deep, unconditional, everlasting, sacrifical, sacred, perfect, and beautiful love from God. It is fleeting instead of forever. I’m talking about romantic love–falling in love. I’m not sure if I have truly “fallen in love” yet. Well, I probably haven’t, seeing as how I am not married or anywhere near being married. But I do know that God can use hearbreak- in fact, I think the worst kind of heartbreak is when you love someone and they do not want it — and make it into something beautiful.

This “heartbreak” is something that we are called to experience. In a different context, of course. We can still love people who do not know God’s love. We are supposed to. We need to. We must. We have to care for the lost; help rescue the persihing…love to be an example of God’s love.

This entire first year of college has been about me finding the balance between loving someone lost without trying to convince myself of their non-existant love in return.

I hate to call this “wasted love”, because regardless of the fact that nothing was returned, I know that God uses open hearts for the hearts of stone.

I firmly believe that everything that has happened in my life and will happen is for a purpose; a reason. I believe that God’s plans for me are much bigger than the ones that I have for myself. This is one of the most comforting, yet frustrating truths that I know. I may not yet understand the reason why certian people and relationships have been placed in my life, but I know it is part of the ultimate plan; the best plan for me… I should take comfort in that.

I hate how the English language only has one word for “love”. I love my family. I love my dog. I love nutella and mystery novels.

But to fall in love….to be in love….that’s a totally different animal.


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